How do I tell if I love someone? 8 fool-proof signs, according to a therapist

Niro Feliciano is a mom, author and therapist with a master of science in social work. She’s a TODAY show contributor and author of the TODAY.com column “Is This Normal?”

Over the years, I have gotten a lot of questions about what's normal in relationships, but one that comes up quite frequently is: “How do I know if I'm in love?” It's right up there with: “Is it normal to want to throat-punch my partner, who breathes too loudly at night?” (It most certainly is.)

Love can be confusing if we're taking our cues from TikTok and rom-coms. If you are looking for the heart fluttering, butterflies in the stomach nerves slash excitement- that may or may not be there in the beginning and certainly does not characterize true, long lasting love.

So let’s talk about it. What does it actually mean to be in love? And even more importantly, how do I know if it’s the real deal or a fleeting obsession with someone taking up a lot thought and energy. 

Is it normal to feel confused about love? 

I had to think back to 25 years ago when I met my husband, Ed. I remember asking this same question — how do I know if this is love? Yes, when we met that night at an anti-Valentine’s Day party at Nice Guy Eddies on Avenue A and 1st, sparks flew, yet not for long. We didn’t begin a relationship until nearly two years later during which I asked a lot of “is this normal?” questions.

I understand feeling confused about love. It’s not straightforward, especially given the normal changes and stages of a relationship. Is it normal for feelings to change? For doubts to set in? To not be sure about how you feel? The answer is yes, yes and yes. However, there are a few things to recognize when it comes to discerning a real love that has the qualities to stand the test of time.

Signs you're in love

1. They live in your mind rent-free. Do you find yourself thinking about this person often — during work meetings, walking to class, or in the quiet in-between moments of your day? Do you imagine what a future with them might look like? Do you catch yourself wondering what they’re doing right now? Do you have the urge to call them the moment something funny or heartbreaking happens in your life? If so, that’s a good sign that you want to share life with them on a deeper level.
2. You care about their happiness. Genuinely. You think about making them happy. Their wins feel like your wins and their hurts, your hurts.
3. You like them, too. Often we focus on chemistry and passion, but how about everyday like? The foundation of lasting love is friendship. This is someone you respect and admire. You like being with them and don’t need a romantic weekend away to have a great time together.
4. The mundane is still magical. Well, magical might be an overstatement, but you don’t mind doing the tedious things together — laundry, errands, deciding what’s for dinner — because that’s a lot of what life looks like. To this day, I still ask my husband to go to the grocery store with me just to catch a few minutes together at the end of a busy day.
5. They feel like home. That’s what I remember saying to my sister when she asked, “How do you know this is the one?” Safety, calm, and steady. Love is knowing that this person will be there for you when you need them most.
6. You connect on the important things. You have shared values and a vision of how you want to do life together, dreams and goal that you know the other will support if it’s important to you.
7. You bring out the best in each other. Especially at the beginnings of a relationship, you should feel better about yourself when you are with this person. You both recognize each other’s strengths and they're easy to notice when you are together.
8. They are a priority in your life. It’s easy to prioritize this person because you want them around. If not, you may be looking at a friend rather than a lover.

Romantic vs. platonic love

This is where it can get confusing because a great friendship can lead to a great love, but not always. How can you tell the difference?

1. Physical attraction. Although this does not always appear at the start of the relationship, there should not be a question if there is chemistry and attraction. This is an important distinction between a friendship and romantic love. You might love them, but not be in love with them.
2. Jealousy. If they started dating someone else, would you be devastated? Ambivalent? Or happy that they found someone who could appreciate them more than you?
3. Work. I’m not going to sugar coat this: Long-term love is work. Are you ready to do the work in the future to sustain intimacy, improve communication, and deeply invest in this person unconditionally (meaning even when you don’t feel like it)? Not everyone asks this question, but that is likely in part why so many relationships fail. If you are ready to do this work, it's a good sign that this is love.

Friendship love is real, meaningful and fulfilling, but it is different from romantic love. Knowing the difference can save you years of time invested that end in heartbreak.

Tips to navigate love

Last, I want to leave you with this one thought: We should always work to be more loving but should never work to be more loved.

If someone does not appreciate you in all your uniqueness and what you bring to the table, you have a choice to make. If you're in a committed relationship, there is work to be done. If you're trying to force one, don’t. 

Whether it’s a relationship, a job, a college, you name it, go where you are wanted. Appreciation is never overrated.