Whether you totally love Valentine's Day or are counting down the days until Feb. 15, we're here with a list of funny Valentine's Day jokes to ensure that, either way, your heart-shaped holiday is filled with laughter. It's the season of love, after all, and there's no better way to celebrate all those Xs and os than with a few one-liners and funny puns.
For instance, who’s Cupid’s favorite rock band? Heart, of course. How about this one: Why do tennis players make the best spouses? They know everything about love. Did you ever wonder what you call two birds in love? Tweethearts, naturally.
Admit it. Even if you're cringing right now, there's a pretty good chance that you're also chuckling just a little, because dad jokes in any form are funny stuff.
In honor of Valentine's Day, we've gathered our favorite groan-worthy gags on Cupid, hearts, chocolate, love and just about everything else related to Feb. 14.
This collection of holiday-themed wisecracks is bound to bring a smile to your face, not to mention your kids, family, best friend, sweetheart and just about anyone else with a healthy sense of humor. And considering the mascot for Valentine's Day is a naked, winged-cherub that shoots arrows at people, it's almost a crime not to crack a joke or two.
Speaking of crimes, what's the best way to get arrested on Valentine's Day? Steal someone's heart. Ba-dum-tss. Don't say we didn't warn you.
Funny Valentine's Day jokes
- What did one spice say to the other on Feb. 14? Will you be my Valen-thyme?
- What did the maple syrup say to the waffle? “I'm sweet on you.”
- What did the painter say to his wife on Valentine's Day? I love you with all my art.
- What's the one flower you should never give on Valentine's Day? Cauliflower.
- What's pink, oinks and shoots arrows on Valentine's Day? Cu-pig.
- What did one rabbit say to the other? “Somebunny loves you.”
- How do farmers celebrate Valentine's Day? With hogs and kisses.
- What did the stamp say to the envelope? “I'm stuck on you.”
- What did one chemist say to the other? “I've got my ion you.”
- Did you hear about the two tennis players that fell in love? It was a courtship.
- What candy never shows up on time? Choco-late.
- Can February march? No, but April may!
- What's the best kind of air to give on Valentine's Day? Million-aire.
- Why couldn't the computer go out to dinner on Valentine's Day? It had a virus.
- What did one ant give the other on Feb. 14? A Valen-tiny.
- Why do melons get married in church? Because they cantaloupe.
- Did you hear about the shoes that got engaged? They're sole-mates.
- Why did the skeleton call off the wedding? His heart wasn't in it.
- What did one drum say to the other? “My heart beats for you.”
- What's the best way to get arrested on Valentine's Day? Steal someone's heart.
- What did one cat say to the other on Valentine's Day? “You're purr-fect.”
- What flowers get the most kisses on Valentine's Day? Tulips.
- What happens after two spiders get engaged? They have a webbing.
- What did one pickle say to the other? “You mean a great dill to me.”
- Where's the best place to find dates? The grocery store.
Valentine's Day dad jokes
- Why do tennis players make the best spouses? They know everything about love.
- Why was the cook arrested on Valentine's Day? She was caught beating an egg.
- What do you call an army of baby Cupids? An infantry.
- Why are only girls born on Valentine's Day? Because there's no mail delivery on holidays.
- For Valentine's Day I asked Cupid for a million dollars. Cupid said, “Get real.” So, I responded with, “OK, I want a boyfriend.” To which Cupid replied, “Cash or check?”
- My girlfriend said she wanted a fairy tale relationship. So I left her in the forest with a loaf of bread.
- One did one squirrel say to the other? “I'm nuts about you.”
- Why shouldn't you marry a pastry chef? They're known to be desserters.
- Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest.
- I heard a joke about chocolate candy bars. It wasn't very funny. But I still Snickered.
Best Valentine's Day jokes
- What did one tangerine say to the other on Valentine's Day? “Orange you sweet?”
- What did Han Solo say to Princess Leia on Valentine's Day? “Yoda one for me.”
- What did the two rocks pledge at their wedding? To never take each other for granite.
- What did the omelet say to the toast on Valentine's Day? “You're eggs-actly my type.”
- Why can't deer kiss? Because they have buck teeth.
- Are you the internet? Because I'm feeling a connection.
- I was wondering why my feet got cold. Then I remembered you knocked my socks off.
- What did the magnet say to the fridge? I find you so attractive.
- Did you hear about the wedding between the sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
- What's the best way to get a date for Valentine's Day? Look at a calendar.
- What kind of dinner does Cupid eat? A heart-y one.
- What do astronauts say to their sweethearts? “I love you to the moon and back.”
- Who’s Cupid’s favorite rock band? Heart.
- What’s Cupid’s favorite candy? Hershey’s Kisses.
- Why was the ghost sad on Valentine’s Day? He didn’t have a boo.
- Why does Cupid like lettuce? It’s got a heart.
- What did one pig say to the other? Don’t go bacon my heart.
- What did one plate say to the other on Valentine’s Day? “Tonight, dinner’s on me.”
- Did you hear about the two radios that got married? The reception was amazing.
- What’s a bread loaf’s favorite song? “All You Knead is Love.”
- Did you hear about the spider wedding? Yes, they’re newly-webs.
- Did you hear about the vampire wedding? It was love at first bite.
- What did the grizzly say to the panda? “You're beary special to me.”
- What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts.
- What do olives say to each other on Valentine’s Day? “Olive you.”
- What did the graham cracker say to the marshmallow? “I love you s’more and s’more each day.”
- What did one whale say to the other on Valentine’s Day? “I whale always love you.”
- What do you call it when two boats fall in love? A row-mance.
- How did the telephone propose? With a ring.
- Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef? They'll dessert you.
- What did one tomato say to the other on Valentine’s Day? “I love you from my head to-ma-toes.”
Valentine's Day puns
- How do astronomers propose on Valentine's Day? They planet.
- What did the acorn say to the tree? “I’m fallin’ for you.”
- What did the thread say to the needle? “I’m sew into you.”
- What did one yardstick say to the other? “We be-long together.”
- What did one lamp say to the other? “You light up my life.”
- What did one banana say to the other? “You’ve got appeal.”
- What did one flea say to the other? “You’re dyna-mite!”
- What did one toad say to the other? “Never frog-et how much I love you.”
- What did one volcano say to the other? “I lava you.”
- What one cantaloupe say to the other? “You’re one in a melon.”
- What did the latte say to the espresso? “We are meant to bean.”
- What did one popsicle say to the other? “You make me melt.”
- What did one recliner say to the other? “I chair-ish you.”
- What did one hotdog say to the other? “You’re a real wiener!”
- What did one light bulb say to the other? “I love you watts and watts.”
- Why did the astronaut couple break up? They needed space.
- What did the purse say to the handbag? “I never want to leave your side.”
- What did one puzzle piece say to the other? “We fit together.”
- What did one scientist say to the other? “We’ve got great chemistry.”
- What did the pasta say to the tomato? “I love it when you get saucy.”
- What did one sheep say to the other? “Ewe complete me.”
Valentine's Day knock-knock jokes
- Knock, knock. Who’s there? Daryl. Daryl who? Daryl never be anyone like you.
- Knock, knock. Who’s there? Mary. Mary who? Mary me, I love you.
- Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bee. Bee who? Bee mine.
- Knock, knock. Who’s there? Kenya. Kenya who? Kenya be my Valentine already.
- Knock, knock. Who’s there? Beak. Beak who? Beak careful with my heart.
- Knock, knock. Who’s there? Fur. Fur who? Fur you, I’d do anything.
- Knock, knock. Who’s there? Dough. Dough who? Dough you wish it was Valentine’s Day already?
- Knock, knock. Who’s there? Mustache. Mustache who? I mustache you to be mine.
- Knock, knock. Who’s there? Love. Love who? Aw, love you too.
- Knock, knock. Who’s there? Teddy. Teddy who? Teddy is Valentine’s Day.
- Knock, knock. Who’s there? Butter. Butter who? Butter together than apart.
- Knock, knock. Who’s there? Anita. Anita who? Anita tell you that I love you.
- Knock, knock. Who’s there? Peas. Peas who? Peas be mine.
